Torn between two Lovers

Keven is a great lover.  He really exerts his emotions through his body movement and passionate kissing and linking together in bonding.   When I met Keven, it was at a gay nude lodge in Northern Maine (a hot little place, year round).  When he was prowling the guys, he was in his alter ego called Jed.  Jed is rough, on the edge, pure sex, hot.  He popped around the lodge having fun here and there having a carefree time.  I was jealous of his nature.  I wish I could be that free.   Though I initially resisted him (he was there at the lodge with another person), I began to secretly desire him.  But I also got to know Keven and really connected with him.  Our first encounter was me having to tame Jed down as I wasn't in the mood to be pounded from hell or give up control.  I was able to do so, and for the most part have kept Jed in bay.

Unfortunately, Keven doesn't appear to be able to let Jed out with me.  He doesn't want to hurt me.  But the pain that he exerts, is transformed within me and becomes my personal fit for being dominated without losing my domination.  Don't get me wrong, I can boy out, not as good as a real boy, but I give it my all.  And I can't think of a better person to do this with then Keven.   But I don't want Jed to only occur with three ways and encounters.  I want to experience Jed with myself.  I'm attracted to Jed, his anger, his control, and impulse for self gratification...all the things I feel as a Dom.  But Jed is not a Dom in the same sense.  He is an aggressive top.   That distinction is what makes me feel more at ease, because he isn't threatening my own ego.  He is simply topping a dom, transforming the Dom into a boy.


I don't know if I'm a switch.  I'm versatile, but that's different.  I can maintain being a Dom even if I'm being fucked.  Being a switch is someone who can go from Dom to sub.   That appears to be something that is a greater challenge for some like myself.  I want to experience true submission, but I would never live or maintain a sub mode.  It would be purely on a sexual basis.  They would need to be more dominate then myself, yet not threatening. I have to connect, without it, I won't put my guard down and there will be no dominating.  I believe I would get all of this from Jed.  Jed is my fantasy, while Keven lies next to me.  Don't get me wrong, I prefer Keven to Jed 6 to 1, but I hunger for a part of Keven that he wants to surpress from me.  But in truth, if he plays with others, Jed is going to come out because he'll protect his love.  So I get to play beside Jed, but his attention is on the boy toy.  And I can't be submissive when a boy is present, just isn't going to happen.  So I get to watch, but not experience.

What hinders all of this?  Love.  Keven would rather experience making love then he would role play.  Since I seem to be the predominate top in this situation, love making works well.   Also because he loves me, he doesn't want to physically harm me, so he is less apt to smacking my face or saying something agressive.   I want to be bound and in his total control.