I hate that word. It hits me at the core of who I am and who I want to be. But my insecurities are not general, but rather, very specific. Who do I have the most insecurity with........Jed Hot (Keven's alter ego). It doesn't really make a lot of sense. I've had open relationships throughout my life. In truth, it's the only form of relationship that I believe is honest. No hiding desires, talk to the boys in the open, set up a good three way, and worry about Jed Hot. What? What was that last one? Why be insecure with someone who is an open book and doesn't hide who he is.
Where does this insecurity come from. I didn't have it with Roland....but, Roland (slave robear) was a submissive and our relationship was balanced between daddy/boy. That is not the relationship that I have with Jed Hot. He and I are switchers, sometimes during the same sexual situation. Jed can be a submissive where I don't get to experience that. That's it. There's the root to my insecurity.
You see, Keven isn't able to let Jed out on me. Strangers, hell ya, but his partner....no. Jed Hot isn't a dominate, but more an aggressor. Though close in styles, there are very distinct differences. A dominate balances with a sub, where an aggressor is independent and self serving.
The weekend I met Keven, I met Jed Hot first hand. I rejected his advances as he kinda scared the shit out of me. The one risk with Jed.....he may or may not stop if you say no, but if he's in a mood, he will not and will continue until he is self satisfied with a heavy load.
But I don't experience Jed Hot. I only get Keven. But our third parties get to experience him. I get to stand or lie next to Jed Hot going at it...wishing....desiring...why can't that be me. He says that it's because he loves me. Jed Hot could hurt me and he wouldn't forgive himself. Wow, it's fucking, it's a play scene, and it stays in the bedroom/dungeon.
Why insecure. Because I will be pretty pissed off if others get what I want.
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